At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
