I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
