He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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