i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
