your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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