Pants 0. Shit 1.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
