I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
