he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
