So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
