Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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