he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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