Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
