So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
