If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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