so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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