i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
