That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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