Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
