He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
