It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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