I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
