I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
