He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
