I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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