Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
