yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
