Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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