Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
