i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
