I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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