Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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