maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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