If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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