Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
