I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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