Quick, to the slutcave!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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