i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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