just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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