Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
