oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
