I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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