Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
