Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
