party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
