So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
