The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
