he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
