just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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