I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only a mothe r could love this liver
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
