I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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