a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
