Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
