found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
