i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
