Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
