On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Fuck appropriateness.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
