I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
